How do you go about resolving conflict between team members?

I start by trying to understand the nature of the conflict, usually via 1:1s with each individual. Is it that they don't agree on an approach to a project? That someone said something passive aggressive? That one person feels like they are not as accountable to doing work as the other? 

I will sometimes talk to other folks involved as well to get a more holistic understanding of the situation. 

Based on that, I will first ask myself - is this a conflict I personally need to solve? As someone whose professional career is finding problems to solve, I have often fallen into the trap of thinking that I am responsible for solving all the problems. The reality is that sometimes I'm not the right person to do so (or that it's not a good use of my time). 

If I do need to solve this conflict, I most commonly will bring both team members together to discuss the nature of the conflict and talk about how we might arrive at a solution that works best for both of them. 

There are some situations in which a different approach is necessary - such as sexual harassment or discriminatory behavior - in which case, I bring in HR and my manager. 

I think it’s important to let team members resolve conflict between themselves whenever possible. If you’re seen as the ‘fixer’ for all conflicts on a team, it puts you in a tough position and disempowers the team. So my first reaction when conflict arises is to attempt to coach the two team members individually on how they can resolve the conflict directly with the other person, without me or someone else having to be formally involved.

One of the best tools I know in terms of conflict resolution is called non-violent communication. It’s helpful in all types of situations and is easy to modify for a given conflict. You can read more about it but there are four parts: (1) observations — here’s what I’m seeing, what are you seeing?, (2) feelings — here’s how I feel, how do you feel? (3) needs — here’s what I need in this situation, what do you need in this situation? (4) requests — here’s my request of you, what do you need from me?

In coaching people through conflict, I often help them see their situation through this framework. Sometimes, for smaller conflicts, I use it implicitly through asking these types of questions. And for larger conflicts, it may involve more formally sketching out answers and the conversations that need to happen to get things resolved. The point is, you can tailor your usage of the framework to the size of the conflict.

I find this frame is very helpful in letting each person detach slightly from their immediate emotions and start to more objectively assess the situation through their own lens and the lens of the other person. At the end of the day, the most important thing is to just get the two parties communicating and not let this conflict fester.

If this is an HR issue - please involve HR right away. I'm intentionally going to assume it's not for this question.

As a people leader, your role is to provide a psychologically safe environment for your team to strategize, collaborate, discuss, disagree, and align. A lot of people call this "storming and norming in order to perform." Your team will be made up of different types of people who must get used to each other, and it might not be smooth sailing initially. In general, it's good to create team bonding opportunities to reduce unnecessary/unproductive conflict.

When conflict arises, it's important for you as the team lead to remain objective, calm, and open to both team members. To resolve conflict, I would hear each team member out about the conflict: how they are feeling, what their issue is, and evaluate their interpersonal communication style, and make an assessment on how to move forward. Depending on the disagreement (assuming nothing violated HR policies), one party or both will require coaching on how to approach the conflict. That could mean seeing someone's point of view, understanding how their communication may have been misinterpreted, getting more context/clarity about an element of strategy.

To put an end to the conflict - if the situation isn't too toxic, asking them to work on a joint solution or compromise can be very productive, especially if you give them a specific deliverable or template that they have to work on together. It's not always possible to do that - sometimes you must make the decision to move forward and ask them to "disagree and commit" to the plan, providing them with a reason for the decision.